The DISAPPEARANCe
My dad hasn’t been around much since I was about two years old. The only memories I have of him are fuzzy and not complete. There are chunks of his image from birthday parties every few years but I can never fully remember the whole moment. But, there is one memory I won’t ever forget.
It was my 10th birthday and it was a huge deal to me. Finally reached ‘Double Digits’. My mom couldn’t spend the day with me or do anything special because she had to work. So, though she didn’t think my dad should have the privilege to spend such an important day with me, she called him over. That day, while my mom was at work, my dad and I spent the entire day out, just me and him. He took me out for breakfast, shopping, and we ended the day at the beach on the pier watching the sunset. The entire day was filled with laughter and genuine connection, a connection I haven’t had with him since.
That day runs through my mind constantly, vividly, like it just happened yesterday. Next month is my high school graduation and only for the past year is when I started seeing him again. He wasn’t around for 7 years but decided to magically show up again one day about a year ago. Before that, all I got were a few birthday texts, “Happy Holidays!”, but not one “I’m sorry.” which is all I’ve ever wanted.
In the beginning, it was hard to trust him and I did my best trying to be happy with him. How was I supposed to put all my trust into him when he hadn’t been in my life all this time? It’s gotten easier over time to actually be happy and not have it being forced. We’ve spent a lot of time together and it’s really helped me gain my trust in him again. I finally have faith in him. I know if I hold him to certain standards, he’ll reach them. Since the day he came back into my life, he hasn’t disappointed me. I just don’t know if I should truly and fully believe that he won’t leave again.
“Bye mom! Dad’s here. We’re leaving now.”, I told my mom. I was waiting by the door with all my things and my dad waiting in the car. We were about to leave for a weekend camping trip.
When he asked me about spending the weekend together, I honestly thought it was a joke. We haven’t spent more than a day together and I thought it would be like that forever. After I finally realized he wasn’t joking and was being serious, I felt a sense of hope. I knew the weekend was going to be another chance to make great memories. I imagined us talking about life and going on adventure, finally making that connection we haven’t had the longest time.
I waited for my mom since I heard her running down the stairs. “You’re going to be careful, right? If you change your mind and you want to stay, that’s perfectly fine too.”, she said, a little winded from coming down the stairs. “I’ll be okay, mom. I want to go on this trip.”, I replied, annoying that she would even suggest canceling when she knows how excited I’ve been for the past two weeks. “Alright, well, have fun!”, she said as she hugged me so tightly I couldn’t breathe for a second.
As we drove away, I could see my mom standing at the door waving goodbye. I could tell she was sad or maybe even angry that I chose to spend the weekend with my father instead of her because it was the only weekend she was going to have off the entire month.
Even though my relationship with him has gotten better, I know she’s not happy with it. I don’t think they’ve had a full conversation since they split years ago. They’ve only ever talked about me and when I was free, when he could see me next. She deserves a long, heartfelt apology from him and so do I. But I don’t want to let the past ruin my dad and I forming a relationship.
The car ride to the campsite was awkwardly quiet, silence filling the air in the lonely woods. I watched him set up the tent, realizing that he was a stranger to me. Even after this year we’ve spent building our bond back up, I still don't know what he did for those 7 years we were away from each other. Or more like the 7 years he chose to stay away from me.
We got there pretty late so all we did was set up the tents, eat some food we brought from the city and went to sleep. The next morning started off silent as the night before. It was like that up until we started our activities.
The sun was blazing hot as we hiked through trails in the woods. He talked non-stop about different kinds of birds we saw, showing me a passion he had that I’ve never seen before. Our laughter echoed as we sat on the dock with him trying to teach me how to fish. Each moment in the day was another step forward in rebuilding our bond and making up for the lost time.
After what seemed like the shortest time, the weekend was over and I was back at my house watching my dad leave the driveway. The stories shared over the weekend, the genuine laughs, even the quiet moments that weren’t awkward, just comfortable, allowed me to heal. The trust wasn’t instant, but I knew it was slowly coming back. When I looked into his eyes, I could tell he was happy to have spent this time together. I finally felt hope again. A hope that he would be in my life and wouldn’t miss out on anything any longer.
My graduation day is getting closer and closer and I’ve been thinking about inviting my dad. “I don’t want you to be stood up by your own father on such a huge day like that. I just don’t want you getting hurt.”, my mom was telling me on the car ride to school. I see where she’s coming from but he’s changed. “He’s not going to do that, I promise. I don’t have any expectations and it’s fine if he doesn’t show up.” I said, knowing well how hurt I’d be if I didn’t see him there. I tried not to think about it, but the thought stayed in my mind the entire day.
That night, I texted my dad not wanting to push it back any longer than I already have, “Hey, I know it’s late but I really wanted you to be at my graduation. It’s next month and if you can’t make it, I totally understand. Let me know!” I couldn’t sleep with the anticipation growing and growing each minute. Eventually I did fall asleep and woke up with a notification from him saying, “Sure thing, I’ll be there.” With the weight finally off my shoulders, I enjoyed the school day, stress-free. Now, the only thing on my mind was whether he’d actually show up.
I told my mom about the next day and instead of something positive, I got a lecture. “If he’s been gone all this time, what makes you think he’ll show up this time?” “Did we not just go camping this weekend? Have we not been spending the past year together? We’ve spent this time together and he hasn't let me down since he came back. It’s not my fault you have a problem with me spending more time with him than you!” I said, angry at her for not being happy for me. Just once I hoped she would say “That’s great! I’m glad he’s going to be there for you.” I thought she’d be my biggest supporter but it turns out she’s just been against me and dad being a family again.
I spent the rest of that week hanging out with my dad because there was an awkward tension between my mom and I. I felt bad since I haven’t really had quality time with my mom but, I knew if I did, she would just be negative about the entire situation. When I told my dad about it, he was understanding, which wasn’t at all what I expected. “I get where she’s coming from. I haven’t been around for a long time so it’s not like I expected her to forgive me right away. I know she doesn’t want to forgive me or try to be friends, and that’s fine. I just hope it won’t affect our relationship.”, my dad told me while we were eating ice cream at the beach. “I try not to listen to her because I really enjoy spending time with you. Don’t worry about her, she’ll get over it eventually.”, I told my dad as we got up getting ready to leave. He dropped me back off at home and we said goodnight. “See you soon”, is what he said. I believed him.
Only one and a half more weeks until the big day. Graduation. I last saw my dad yesterday and we talked this morning. My mom keeps asking, “Are you positive he’s coming? Don’t get your hopes up too much.” I never answer because just thinking about it upsets me. I trust my dad, and I know he wouldn’t miss that day for anything. He knows how much it means to me. Secretly, I do have my doubts, though. I try not to let it be known so my mom doesn’t think she’s right about this. I really hope she’s not.
One more week. I haven’t really heard from my dad for 3 days. All I’ve gotten is text message bubbles when I say something but he never ends up actually sending anything. It has me a little worried but maybe he’s just busy, he won’t let me down.
It’s the night before my high school graduation day and I have not heard a single word from my dad. I haven’t told my mom about it because I know all she’s going to say is, “I told you so.” And I really don’t feel like hearing that right now. I’ve been texting him non-stop this entire week and I haven’t gotten a single message from him. He hasn’t even read the messages. I can’t lie, now, I’m really worried. Not because maybe something happened to him but because I don’t want to have been proved wrong by my mom.
Today’s the day. I’m minutes away from walking across the stage and getting my diploma. My dad hasn’t said anything but I still have faith that he’ll show up when it matters. Maybe he just hasn’t been on his phone for the past week? Distracted by the thoughts, the time went by quickly and next thing I knew, the ceremony was over. I walked through the chairs crowded with students and their parents.
I looked around frantically until I found my mom. By herself. My dad didn’t show up. The world stopped for a minute, I was dumbstruck. I had no words, no thoughts. All I felt was emptiness. I couldn’t believe he really didn't show up. My mom and I locked eyes and instead of saying something along the lines of ‘I told you so.’ she said, “I’m sorry.”
That moment, I finally realized that my mom was right all along. She never said anything about it but I came to the conclusion on my own. He’s gone, disappeared. I shouldn’t have put my faith in him again. Deep down I knew somehow it would end with me being disappointed but I didn't want to believe it for the time being. I wanted to truly hope he would be there for me, but he wasn’t and he never will be again. I wouldn’t let it happen.
